Wednesday, 11th July 2012

Hola! First post for this year. Last year has been a super rough tough year for me. More downs then ups. More tears then laughters. This year hoping for a better one but seems like more higher hurdles to jump through. Incidents by incidents come.

Sometimes I wonder, is this the worse or there will be more than this current one. Life never easy I know. It's a matter how I look and handle it actually. But am I strong enough to face it? 

All I felt like doing now this very moment is to find a place to hide and cry. Why? Just want to release everything out. Too much has been keep inside and I believe it is time to release. With that I will feel better and ready to face the next challenge. Fear there's more unpleasant news for me. Lord, I need You...    

Friday, 29th April 2011

Sitting in front of the pc thinking of what to pour in here. It's been awhile since I log in here. Even the password I've forgotten already. Luckily I was able to reset it and change to a so-called new password.

I didn't get my butt to office today as I'm having fever myself with flu. The weather outside is hot but I'm wearing sweater and still feeling cold. I know I'm suppose to be in bed and rest my eyes just won't shut. So remembering I have this blog, I thought perhaps I should just drop by and pour a few words. Pathetic feeling though.

So many many things happening around me lately. In fact things has been happening since last year and it never stop. Relationship is one of it and I realise that I'm making a fool of myself but how come I still allows it to happen. Drifting me away to fantasy which will never be a reality. When will I wake up from this dream? The harder I try to let go, the more I can't let go and the more I suffer. Every single step I take is a huge mistake. No doubt I'm at fault and I should bear the consequences should anything happen after this. I'm the one playing with the flames or fire.

Financial should be next. It never leaves me alone in peace. Still struggling very hard. O when will all these stop? When I stop to breath?

Work? Work seems alright but still the distance is killing me. Colleagues? O well, never bother to hang out close with any of them. Office politics too strong. Even the other day two of these colleagues of mine fighting in the office. What a scene?! To me, I just do my work and the rest I don't care and bother to know. Of course I won't be selfish, snobbish and what not. Just that I will draw a boundary for it. Just to be safe.

I'm lucky to have friends who really concern and care about what's happening to me. Am really grateful for that but sometimes I just can't pour out everything to them. Sometimes things are not meant to be spread around. I will only pour out to people I feel comfortable telling to. So for those I can't tell, I'm sorry. Not that I don't trust you all.

Okay, seems like my eyelash want to hugs each other already. Maybe I should stop for now and get some rest.

Ta-Ta

Thursday, 20th January 2010

It's been awhile since I written anything here. Time sure flies by fast. It's already year 2011. In two weeks time it will be Chinese New Year already. I have not prepare anything except for few pair of clothes for my prince and princess. Still it is not complete yet.

At the moment while bloggin I'm watching a drama. Hahaha..... Chasing the series. Taking the opportunities to big bosses around. May not have these kind of chances all the time.

Been doing alot of thinking lately. Remember what has happen in the past is really a torture. It keeps on hunting me every now and then. I don't know how to let go but I really have to let go. Anyone can help?

I really don't know what else to type. Really feeling fatigue now... Very fatigue. Feel like packing and go home. Perhaps I should leave office early.

Monday, 20th December 2010

The LANDAS Samarahan 2010 Dinner has finally over. No more headaches on performance and costume. Everything is back to normal.

AA called me last Friday asking me to attend an interview. I agreed over the telephone conversation to attend but at the end I did not turn up on Saturday for the interview. My friend did though. Why I didn't turned up? Well basically I know if I got the job, I will be working on shift. Secondly, I need to dress up and proper grooming including make-ups. I hate make-ups and I don't even know how to put on make-ups. So why waste everybody's time for it.

Besides the interview at AA, there was another interview which I went. A local courier company. Basically they are operating 5 1/2 days a week. I don't mind though because I'm not left with any option at the moment and being desperate. As long as I can pick up my daugther after her class ended and salary not lower than what I'm getting now, should be alright with me until I get another better offer. Anyway, there's no answer for this yet and I doubt that I will get it. So no point thinking and putting my hope for it. Job hunting still proceeds as normal.

Dinner was alright on Friday evening. Not so happening but still ok considering we all the new staffs need to come up with a presentation that night. We won the Best Performance but were not something that great. Still, with just 4 days preparation and last minute thingy, I can say we are very much satisfy with it. Hopefully no more after this as I would very much would like to come back to my own circle of life and still hoping to leave JTS as soon as possible. School will be reopen in less than 2 weeks. I will face more stress after this if I still don't get a job nearer to town and which enables me to go out and pick my daughter. I think I can still pick my daughter while working here but the driving distance is killing me. Way to far and cost too much petrol.

My mind today somehow thought of Jovan. It's been so many years already and I can't still forget him. The fact that he just suddenly disappears without news and contact, yet I still holding the hope that we will meet again someday. Why is he so special? I don't know. It is something that I don't even understand or explain. Few months of friendship can build such strong bonds among us leaving me in misery thinking of him. Jay Chou's song has always been my favourite and his also. Pearl milk tea. He purposely went to buy some and sent over to me because I was craving for it. Crazy huh. But all those happens only in a short time and he was gone from my life just like that. Leaving without a note.

Up to today, I still remembers him. Hoping to meet but for sure he has changed even if we meet outside. I might not be able to recognise him. In fact I hardly can recall how he looks like. These will all remains in my memory, sweet memories that we have shared together in couple of months.

BGR is something that is hard to explain by anyone. Each of us looks at it differently. I suppose I never achieve what I want in a relationship making me hungers for it and search for what I always wanted in a relationship. Even after married, it has not stop me from looking for it. Is it because my husband has not being able to fulfill what I've been searching in a relationship? I do not know.

But somehow, I realise I have to put a stop from being close to anyone before I created more awkwardness among my friends and losing them one by one. I misunderstood their caring and warmness towards me which could cause me believing that I have fell for them. In the end, I make a fool of myself and losing another good close friend. I guess I'm better off alone. At least I don't hurt anyone or annoyed anyone. Or even hurt myself causing me living in misery. I did a mistake once and I hope I won't repeat it again. I can't turn back the clock and therefore whatever happen will always remain as a dark history in my life. That will be the second dark history in my love life besides the one that happens back in 1997.

Life must carry on no matter what. Let's just move forward and never hold back to the past. It will do us no good. Let us learn from the mistake and never to repeat the same ol' mistake again. But let us be frank to each other. How many of us can do so? How long does it takes to heal our heart and soul?

Things happens for reason. It does not happen just for the sake of fun or just to create some situation or environment. Therefore, we must analyse everything that happens but not to take sweet time to analyse about it or to ignore it. Sometimes it may be just a warning, sometimes it may be a sign. But whatever it is, seek for Him and He will provide you the answer. That is how I look at it.

Releasing all that is in my heart and mind in here indeed is very useful. I feel much of a relief and peace. Although it does not solve the problem, but at least I feels that the heavy weight of the burden on my chest and shoulder is being lifted up a bit.

I don't mean to condemn, or scold anyone here. Didn't mean to annoyed anyone as well. Just a piece of thought in mind and heart which requires a place to pour out when there are things we can't express from our own mouth to people. I know my babe is very willing to lend me a shoulder to cry one and an ear to listen, but sometimes things are better this way.

Right now I just need a huge cute bear to hug. Who wants to offer to become my teddy bear? ;)

Tuesday, 14th December 2010

It's a cold Tuesday morning with gloomy weather outside. The weather is killing me because the air condition in the office is blast as normal. Adding to the cold and wet weather outside, making the condition in the office becomes more chilling. Perhaps I should consider getting winter coat and wear it in office. Lol~

The LANDAS Samarahan dinner is this Friday evening. I need to involve in a stage performance due to the fact that I'm a new staff. I really hope I can escape but which I doubt that. Supt has given the instruction it is compulsary. Using his VETO power as usual. That is what I gather from the talks around.

Me and my colleagues don't have that much leisure time to plan and practise for the performance so we will be doing things that is easy and something spontaneous. Whatever it is, we just do what we can to fulfill the instruction given.

So much things in mind and do not know how to handle. So many plans in mind but do not know how to execute. Nothing is easy and everything has consequences. Therefore to execute something needs proper planning and alot of research also. Time is needed as well as sacrifices. Oh my. I just so blank at the moment. Can't make up my mind. It is not as easy as it seems and there's no magic word for it.

Aim is still to step out from state civil service. Would want to do something in more flexible time so that I can send and pick my princess. But I doubt that there is any company out there who can give me that privilege unless I'm the boss. There is this saying which I always believe it is true enough. One's life can never be compare to others. What you have, the other person may not have. You may see others is better than you but you never see the difficulties that she had gone through. You only see the goodness. The best is not to compare among each other as even until you compare 'til you die also, it never brings any advantages to you. Lead your own life the way you want it to be. As long as you are happy with what you achieve. Don't follow people's shadow. I believe each and everyone of us can success in life. It doesn't mean that you can only success by being rich, or being a manager, or owning a successful business. It can be anything. The aim is for us to set and we determine ourself what we would like to achieve in life. That is how I see it. Of course easier said than done. So basically it is up to us how we see it, how positive we look at it and how we want our life to be. We leading our own road of life with the guide from Him. He set the path for us but if we blind ourself not to follow and divert from it, it leads to somewhere else.

I'm very much not in the mood to work today. So I'm just updating my blog hoping to give my brain a rest by releasing something out and at the same time surfing the net. After this going to update my resume and prepare some cover letters. Hope to able to email out later.

Guess that's all for now. Don't want to get so emo in here now afraid I will end up crying or end up having migraine.

Ta-Ta~

Friday, 9th December 2010

It's Friday again and I just lurveee it coz it means tomorrow is Saturday and I can wake up late. I really want to take my rest to the max. But at the same time I'm hoping that I can do some shopping too. Lol~

People in the office seems very busy today. I don't plan to make myself busy coz it's Friday. Although there's work to do but I'm definitely taking my sweet time today. Tummy ache too which I really hate it. Haven't took my breakfast yet coz I don't feel like eating.. Torn apart bcoz I do feel hungry but having problem to swallow in the food. Terrible lei.

Being not able to online to the max for couple of months and not following the blogs I use to follow making me being not updated. Jeez.... Now is too late for me to follow-up on the happenings. Being left behind so so far.

I guess this will be a very short post coz I don't know what else to pour in here at the moment. Just realize I need to make some phone calls but I can't call out from my hp at the moment as I'm using my SIM in the bband modem to online. S**t.

Ta-Ta~

Wednesday, 8th December 2010

Wow, my last post was in April and that time I was still working with MBKS. Now I'm working with JTS, transferred from HQ to Divisional Office all the way at Samarahan. Big difference.

Back then I thought I lost my blog due to the reason one of my email was hacked and blocked and I forgot what is the log in password for this paticular blog. Bad me. Can't recall. But today I decided to give it a try and Thank God I managed to recover the password and log in. So I quickly changed the email so that I won't be in trouble again.

Here in divisional office everything seems to be ok except for the driving distance and the problem I will face starting next month as school reopen. Have not being able to solve that problem yet. But today having able to recover back my this blog is a great start of my day. Been looking forward to write something up since so many things happen lately. Tired of pouring into fb so pouring details here will be a great thing to do. Although I have works lining up on my table to do, still I'm taking the opportunity to online since most people is not in and everyone seems to be quite relax.

In between of typing my blog of course I will do some online googling and also doing my work. Hopefully to be able to post this up also and not end up being a draft or being deleted. Lol~

Alot of things happen since I last post in here. Didn't checked back what I last posted but since April to now, sure alot of things happen and change. I don't even know where to begin. I did went for holiday this year and I think it was in June. As usual the trip was to Genting and KL. It was school holiday and the time when we were in Genting was also a Public Holiday so the kids weren't having much fun on the rides because the queue was too long. Wasn't really shopping as well because it was a tight budget trip and we were spending most of our money on the new house.

We moved in to the new house in September this year. It's been two months plus already. Not so in order and complete but just let it be la. We try to furnish up whatever we can and most important is the essential needs are there. The rest, we just add in from time to time when financially permits.

Other than that is that I change my job. Got an offer back in May this year. JBC state post. Accepted and joined new place in end of June. Then posted to divisional office early November this year. So now on duty at Samarahan JTS.

Princess and Prince are growing each day. Getting more difficult to handle both of them. But it's great to see them growing up and learning things on their own. I hardly teach them anything. Don't have the time and patience to do so actually. Lol~ I know. I'm not a good mother.

I'm getting skinnier compare to before. I only weight 53kg now the last time I checked. Clothes in the wardrobe hardly can be fit in cause too loose. Old clothes some probably kept somewhere while some not in good condition already. Some not so suitable to wear to work as I'm a civil servant now. Oh well, hope to be able to do some shopping soon. At least two or three pair of pants should do the trick.

Hmmm....what else...I guess that's about it for the moment. Hope to be able to blog again soon.